Air Piracy Attempt Thwarted (Humor)
by Craig Ceely
EL PASO, TEXAS (Objectivist News Service)--Aero Chihuahua Flight 1369 landed safely here late this afternoon after an apparent hijacking attempt by two Arab Muslim men, both of whom were killed in the attempt.
Approximately thirty minutes into a flight from Dallas to El Paso, the two men stood and, armed with serrated fingernail clippers, declared that they were taking control of the aircraft. The flight crew, trained to respond to hijack attempts by giving in to the air pirates' demands, did nothing.
The two hijackers ran up and down the aisle, shouting, "Allah hates idolatry! Inshallah, we shall destroy the grave of Billy the Kid!"
But an unidentified passenger wearing a gray pinstripe suit, a yarmulke and a button which read "CPAs RULE!," swung a Sony Vaio laptop computer at Walid al-Jismbreath, 23, of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, hitting him in the head from behind. At that point, Craig Ceely, 42, a field engineer who had been reading a Qur'an, struck al-Jismbreath in the face with the book and stabbed him in the eye with a cheap mechanical pencil. "It was all I had," said Ceely, a former Marine who was otherwise unarmed.
At that point Abdul-Aziz bin Fuckwad, 28, also from Saudi Arabia, came to his co-conspirator's defense and began stabbing Ceely with his fingernail clippers. Ceely, knocked to the floor, attempted to fight back with a copy of the hadith and some pirated cassette tapes from the 2002 SOLO Conference.
As he began the long, laborious process of stabbing Ceely to death with the fingernail clippers, bin Fuckwad was shot twice in the head by Guadalupe Martinez y Garcia, 93, of Juarez, Mexico. She then aimed her Ladysmith 9mm pistol at al-Jismbreath and shot him twice in the testicles.
"One each," she explained, speaking through an interpreter. "Why do they always try to ruin Cinco de Mayo? I'm tired of this shit."
Asked whether she regretted the deaths of the two men she'd shot, Mrs. Martinez' lawyer answered, "Her only regret is that she was unable to reach her Ruger Super Blackhawk. She really prefers that pistol to the Ladysmith."
The pilot declared an emergency but the plane landed without further incident. The bodies of the hijackers were taken immediately to Thomason General Hospital, where they were declared dead on arrival. Mr. Ceely, who remained on the floor of the cabin during the landing, was cited by the FAA for not wearing his safety belt.
President Bush thanked the FAA and its subsidiary, the Transportation Security Agency, for its skillful handling of the crisis.
"Nobody likes wearing those seat belts," said White House spokeman Ari Fleischer said sternly. "But not complying with the safety regulations is a violation of federal law. Let's not forget, the man had pirated cassette tapes in his possession as well."
Mrs. Martinez, again speaking through an interpreter, said, "I'm suing all of these fuckers. I'm trying to knit some booties for eight of my great-grandchildren, and I have to put up with this shit?" Her lawyer said that she is planning to sue Aero-Chihuahua, Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, and King Abdullah of the Hashemite Kingdom of Jordan, the only known descendant of the Prophet Muhammad.
She also intends to sue Mr. Ceely. "What the fuck was he doing with a Qur'an?" she asked sweetly. "He could have done a lot more damage with a hardcover copy of Atlas Shrugged."
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