Rebirth of Reason


Canada Yields Rights to Northwest Passage
by Brett Holverstott

A panel of international diplomats arrived at a conclusion yesterday as to the ownership of the Northwest Passage, an international trade route made available by recent Arctic warming.

After much debate it was finally decided that the passage, being due to the melting of ice from greenhouse gas emissions, should be decided by the percentage of emissions contributed to the ice melting.

The United States, with 25.2 percent of total world emissions, was granted one quarter ownership of the passage. China was also granted 15.2 percent ownership, and Russia, Japan, and India as well as a variety of other European countries were granted proportional shares in the single digits.

Canada, scoring a meager, 2.3 percent of total global emissions, reported that it will soon be pumping up its industrial sector in order to regain control of the passage.

President Bush said recently that he will promptly end the war in Iraq and turn his attention to the Islamic extremists being harbored by the Russian state, which possesses "hundreds, if not thousands" of weapons of mass destruction aimed at US soil.

Alan Greenspan, noted critic of Bush's foreign policy, said in a FOX interview that Bush's strategy is due to the vast oil deposits in Russia and the ease of transportation due to the opening of the passage.

The melting of the Northwest Passage has raised eyebrows in the global warming community. Al Gore, a prominent spokesman, assured this reporer that "I will soon be reversing my position and advocating CO2 emissions. Not only is polluting cheaper, but it will substantially increase trade routes and waterfront property."

Gore added the comment "by the way, I invented global warming, you know."
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