Getting Back On Your Feet
by Paul M. Kay
Objectivism, it is often asserted, is a philosophy for living on Earth. It is a philosophy for living one's life with joy and exuberance. It emphasizes achievement and success-in all aspects of one's life-career, romance, education, etc. It is a philosophy that stresses the importance of values-life affirming values. For it is by the achievement of values, especially rational values, that we foster and promote a happy and fulfilled life. Objectivist philosopher Andrew Bernstein said in several of his taped courses that values give meaning and purpose to life.
While I agree with Ayn Rand, Andrew Bernstein and other Objectivists that the gaining of values contribute to a zestful and successful life, it must be remembered that values can sometimes be unachieved or even lost, regardless of how hard one works to obtain them. Some values are relatively minor so if one looses them or otherwise fails to gain them, their loss is not considered to be so serious.
However, the loss of a major value can be a traumatic shock indeed. And when that happens, our enthusiasm for living is greatly diminished or is perhaps, totally lost altogether. The loss of an important and major value is a definite knockdown. So if we want to resume our once effervescent life, if we want to recover, if we want to get back up again, we must ask ourselves, "How can we get back on our feet after the rug has been yanked out from under us? How do we regain the values that have been lost to us? Or if this is impossible, find equivalent and substitute values which to pursue?"
I faced such a situation back in January of this year. Sandra and I had been married for 24 ½ years and at the time, the flames of love burned even brighter than in the early days of our marriage. How true the words of 19th century Freethinker and orator Robert G. Ingersoll: "And do you know, it is a splendid thing to think that the woman you really love will never grow old to you. Through the wrinkles of time, through the mask of years, if you really love her, you will always see the face you loved and won." We were never very wealthy, our homes were quite modest. However, Ingersoll reminds us that, "The meanest hut with love in it is a palace fit for the gods, and a palace without love is a den fit only for wild beasts."
Then around New Year's Day of this year I posted some feedback in response to an essay that appeared on the SOLO website. In that post I mentioned being dumped by my girlfriend and how in six months I found another love. I joyously exclaimed that during the coming summer, Sandra and I would be celebrating our 25th silver anniversary.
However, fate had other plans for us. At the time I wrote that post, I had no idea that just one week later, my beloved Sandra would be stricken with a fatal heart attack and die at the age of 54. That day, I lost what I consider one of the most, if not the most important value in my life. There was now a lot of emptiness in my life. My usually zestful and exuberant had, as one might expect, plummeted to an exceedingly low point on that day and in the weeks that followed.
Nevertheless, I was later determined to pick myself up despite the fact that "the rug had been yanked out from under me." In times of crisis or misfortune, many people turn to their religious faith for emotional strength, guidance, and comfort. I, however, being an atheist, participate in no such activity. But being an atheist has certain advantages. Since I do not believe in a God or gods, I reject the idea that the universe operates according to an intentional, deliberate, conscious plan. Thus I realize that Sandra's death, although caused, was not purposely and intentionally caused. Therefore, I wasted no time shaking my fist in anger at the forces controlling the cosmos. I didn't spend any fruitless effort trying to figure out how her early demise at the age of 54 could fit in with the cosmic scheme. And since I am not consumed with anger at the supposed deliberate unfairness of the universe, I can think calmly and rationally about my situation and possibly make some adjustments and improvements to it.
I am aware that even though I am deprived of the pleasure of Sandra's company, I can still find pleasure in other avenues and activities such as art, music, reading, and working with my computer. Noted psychologist Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy reminds us that even though we may be deprived in one, or several areas of life, it does not necessarily mean that we cannot be happy at all.
Now, even though the aforementioned pleasures are good and life affirming, they really cannot compete with the romantic and sexual pleasures that I received from Sandra. But I know, however, that there are other women out there and one of them has my name on her.
Ayn Rand introduced the "benevolent universe premise", which says that even though the universe is cold and uncaring and indifferent to our wishes, it is still open to success and happiness if we employ our reason and act according to it.
It is true, however, that I sometimes do feel great emotional pain and sorrow over the loss of my wife. And being an atheist and Objectivist I cannot assuage the pain with the comforting but false belief that someday I will be sitting up in the sky on a cloud with her, playing harps together. My philosophy makes me confront reality head on and doing so makes me that much stronger both emotionally and spiritually. Hiding behind myths and illusions does little or nothing in the long run to strengthen one's character or lessen one's destructive emotions and behaviors.
Having a deep, abiding, and loving relationship with someone and then suddenly and abruptly loosing that person is just like having the rug yanked out from under you. However, I do not have to remain on the ground flat on my face. I can use the Objectivist principle of observing and working with reality to pick myself and see how to make the most of my situation. Since emotions are caused by the evaluations and judgments we place on our circumstances, by recognizing the absolutism of reality and by making rational judgments about it instead of discounting reality and making irrational judgments, we can reduce or eliminate harmful and destructive emotions.
I can use the Objectivist principles of selfishness and individualism, knowing that I am an end in myself and not the pawn or servant of others. I know that I am entitled to the best that life has to offer as long as it is properly earned. And just as I employ the Trader Principle to obtain the material goods that sustain my life, I can use that same principle to secure the emotional and spiritual values I need from others and thus possibly getting involved in a new romantic relationship.
Like Ayn Rand's hero John Galt, I too am a "man who loves his life." I love it too much to remain on the ground after the rug has been yanked from under my feet. I intend to get up and stand up a little taller and straighter than before.
This essay is dedicated to the memory of my beloved wife Sandra Beth Kay.
September 14, 1948 - January 10, 2003.
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