Rebirth of Reason


All These Pesky Decisions...
by James Kilbourne

The following is a little glimpse into the Kerry campaign that I penned on July 2nd to help people see the real make-up of the man who would like to be our 44th President. As you will recall, it was the next week that he made his choice for VP public. Everyone else had the good taste not to publish this, so I’m trying to slip it by our fearless leaders here at Solo. Gentlemen, can I interest you in another flagon of wine? ...

[Better late than never! - Ed]

John Kerry has to make a decision. He has come to a three –pronged fork in the road. But this time, he can’t make an entirely different decision a few months later while claiming he is making the same decision, as he did with both approving and denouncing war with Iraq and a few hundred other issues. This time, he has to pick his running mate in July, and it has to be the same person in November.

It must be hell around the Kerry camp this weekend. JFK (as he likes to be called), doesn’t like to be boxed in. Let’s listen in on Senator Kerry’s musings, as he flips hamburgers for the public this July Fourth before disappearing inside one of his chateaux for some vichyssoise and Crème Brule:

“Should I take the road that forks to the right? Tom Vilsack is waiting for me there. After all, I did promise that he would be my VP if his wife would hold her nose and work for me in those Iowa caucuses. Because of Iowa, I now have a good chance in that dirty, dusty place between San Francisco and Boston that they call the Middle Eas ... er ... Middle West, I think. Tom could bring in Ohio, Pennsylvania, Levittown, and all those other states where I keep ruining my alligator shoes. I dunno. He is pretty boring. It could be a good choice, though, because if everyone has passed out from boredom, I might not be bothered with all those pesky questions about why I change my mind so much. Anyway, he could probably answer all that farm questions they keep asking until the cows come home, or whatever it is that those filthy animals do ... Naw, not Tom. Even I’m not that dull.”

“I better take the middle road. Grandmere and Grandpere always said that was the only moral way, and by far the safest. (I will always be grateful to them for pointing out to me that the moral IS the safe. But I digress.) Besides, my best friend (in America, that is), Dickey Gephardt, is ready to meet me at the SafeWay, and he thinks I’m gonna pick him. I did promise that he would be my VP if he’d help me stop that Howard Dean guy. Why, without Dickey, Howard never would have done his raging screams and I might have had to answer some very serious questions. It was really only after everyone woke up and looked at Howard that they realized how good I looked. Anyway, Dickey has all those union friends, and they come in real handy when it becomes necessary for some people to sorta disappear ... ”

“Nope. It’s really gotta be the left fork and that shyster, Edwards. Besides, I did promise in March that he would be my VP if he would just stop running for President. But I don’t have to shake his hand. Anyway, he’ll have to agree to make his acceptance speech from the back of the hall, so they can’t get any more pictures of the two of us together. It makes him look way too Presidential.”

“Wait -- I’ve got it! Hillary! A stroke of genius. She brings in all those people who are mad at Kevin Starr, or whatever his name is. Besides, we can save all those millions needed to protect Edwards from her assassination attempts. HEINZIE! I’ve got it! You’re gonna relish this. Georgie will never ketchup now! Get Chirac on the phone.”

Ladies and gentlemen, as we all know, HEINZE said, “Even I don’t hate America THAT much!” and it was John Edwards who got the nod. Besides, Billary pointed out to Hilliam that Kerry might win, and that would REALLY confuse things for 2008, so Hilliam said no.

But rest assured that in the whole process, none of this crowd’s minds were ever clouded by any principles. There is one thing, however, of which we can all be certain: if any of them somehow manages to find the right road to the White House, we are all forked.
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