Rebirth of Reason

The Good Life

Sergio Manuel Sanchez Covarrubias Kilbourne
by James Kilbourne

Last January, I shared with SOLO readers a problem my partner Sergio and I were having involving drug addiction. It was difficult for me to do this publicly, but I felt I needed to explain my long absence from SOLO, and I frankly needed your support. In March, I gave a positive update. On July 8, I will say these words at his graduation from a six-month recovery program in Los Angeles, after which we will mercifully leave you to your own lives with our gratitude for your help through this difficult time.

Sergio and I met almost three years ago. It was love at first sight, but it took us three weeks before we knew it. Within two months, we knew this was the great love of our lives. It is a good thing we realized it, because it is this immense, all-encompassing love that has kept us together through dark times and brought us to this splendid moment. 

The greatest lesson I have learned these last six months while Sergio has been at Our House in the addiction recovery program is to always remember what is important in life. It seems so obvious, but believe me, it is an easy one to forget. I needed to stand on the edge of the abyss before I could turn around and see the top of the mountain. The reasons that I thought this relationship must end are not really very interesting. I am sure that in this gathering of addicts and people who love addicts that you have all felt most of them. They stem from hurt feelings and fears. And there are lots and lots and lots of them; one for each pain and each disappointment suffered. There are thousands of reasons why this relationship should end and one all-powerful reason why I know I want it to continue; our love is the greatest thing in my life. 

It all comes down to: the reasons why I canít live with Sergio look positively silly next to the reasons why I canít live without him. He makes me want to be the strongest, healthiest, greatest, kindest, most compassionate, loving, intelligent, and efficacious man I can be. With him, colors are brighter, food tastes better; candles and flowers move from the edge of life to its very center. In my bleakest hour I realized that my future had two possible outcomes; to get by in life, choosing the safe, less exciting but more predictable road of being right and being alone, or to hold on tight to the reins and gallop into the mist with Sergio. Well. I chose the mist; now it is clearing, and the path ahead we will take together. When Sergio is free of drugs, there are no compromises needed, no indignities suffered. When Sergio is not, Sergio is not Sergio. My job is easy; I need to make it easier for Sergio to be Sergio. 

Sometime soon, I hope, when the moment is just right, we will marry. We wonít do it to prove anything to anyone, or to establish legal ties, or to confront the narrow-minded, or for any other reasons but these: We will marry because in the most profound way possible and in as great a depth as I have ever seen, the two of us feel complete together. We will marry because it is the natural and obvious thing to do when two people deeply love each other. 

Sergio, words fail to describe the respect I have for you for this accomplishmentófor your character, for your common-sense intelligence, for the man you are and for the goodnessófor the greatness of your heart. I love you for all these things. I love you for how passionately you love your family and friends. I love you for your unwavering commitment to our relationship. You never doubted usóI did. You reached for my hand when I should have been reaching for yours. Today, you are triumphant, and our love conquers all fear and doubt. Tomorrow we will deal with tomorrow, and we will deal with each tomorrow thereafter together. Today, July 8, is my birthday; your courage and strength have given me the greatest birthday present I could ever receive. And I no longer fear tomorrow. Our love makes any tomorrow bearable and every today a joy.
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