You Might be a Fascist

You Might be a Fascist
by Russell Madden

Fascism: a political-economic system in which citizens retain title to their property but in which the government determines how that property may or may not be used.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . believe that the proper way to decide whether a casino should be built in your hometown is to vote on the idea.

. . . object to individuals gambling in their homes . . . unless they're playing the state-run lotto.

. . . think that your neighbor needs the blessing of the historical commission in order to renovate his aging home.

. . . feel the urge to report the guy down the street who has a painting truck parked in his drive but no orange building permit stuck to a front window.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . experienced a sense of glee when Microsoft had to spend millions in legal fees and was convicted of monopolistic policies.

. . . see nothing wrong with your city government awarding a single cable franchise while those guys who sell dishes must charge extra to customers who wish to receive local broadcast channels.

. . . are grateful that the FCC dictates to cable and phone providers how they can do business because you are afraid that otherwise the big media companies would have too much power.

. . . would rather have the government pass a law and set up another bureaucracy to restrict telemarketers than spend fifty bucks of your own money to purchase a screening device.

. . . do not object when others are forced to pay more for their goods so you can earn a higher income while your trade restrictions put other citizens out of work.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . nod in agreement that individuals must show proof of identity in order to open a bank account because otherwise the terrorists will win.

. . . don't object to money laundering laws that make snitches of your banks so the drug dealers and the terrorists won't win.

. . . never complain about airport security checks and bag screening and weapon confiscation in order to keep the terrorists from winning.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . tremble at the thought that the person sitting next to you in the restaurant might be carrying a gun without a license.

. . . want to eliminate and confiscate all guns in private hands in order to be safe since guns cause violence, unless the cops are the ones carrying the guns.

. . . applaud extra taxes on guns and ammunition, prohibition of sales between private parties, licenses for gun dealers, limits on the number of firearms someone can own or buy, and bans on brass knuckles, nunchucks, pen knives, big knives, pepper spray, stun guns, sword canes, or anything else that can be used to defend against a criminal.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . laughed when an aging hippie comedian who sold drug paraphernalia via the Internet was thrown in jail but thought a well-known talk show host addicted to painkillers should receive rehab.

. . . accept the widespread drugging of young boys but recoil in horror from the thought of adults receiving pleasure or relief from illicit drugs.

. . . champion zero tolerance for kids who bring toy soldiers to school but think the heroes at Ruby Ridge and Waco got what they deserved when they were promoted for killing women and children.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . think that taxes are the price we pay for civilization.

. . . smile when the rich have to pay an even greater proportion of taxes than they do now.

. . . kid yourself that Social Security and Medicare taxes are investments or premiums rather than a way to pay for more welfare for old people.

. . . maintain that you have a right to health care, housing, retirement income, food stamps, or government-guaranteed student loans.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . squint your eyes at the idea of parents educating their children at home.

. . . want child-free people to pay for your offspring's schooling because everyone benefits.

. . . question the ability of parents to decide what their kids should study, whether those youngsters should go to school, at all, or how they should learn to make their own ways in the world.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . seek assistance from the government to protect you from your own mistakes.

. . . ask the government to protect other people from what you believe are their own mistakes.

. . . abhor the thought of foreigners flooding your country and taking jobs you don't want at wages you would refuse to accept.

. . . contend that you have a right to a job but an employer does not have the right to fire you because he doesn't like the fact that you're a woman, a racial minority, fat, or handicapped.

. . . think SUV's should be banned, seat belts and airbags required, gas mileage minimums enforced, gasoline formulations determined by the feds, and that more money should be spent on light rail systems that no one uses.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . see all lawyers as heroes.

. . . hope to win the lawsuit lottery.

. . . refuse to accept that legal questions can be properly answered by anyone other than a state-accredited lawyer.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . like the notion of mandated low-flow toilets and shower heads but see no problem with subsidized water so farmers or residents can work and live in deserts.

. . . rejoice that grease monkeys can no longer put Freon in your air conditioner.

. . . sneer at anything smacking of price gouging during disasters such as floods or hurricanes and would rather have shortages of goods than see someone make more than what you believe is a fair price.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . promote the idea of the government owning even more wilderness land.

. . . are appalled that oil companies might drill offshore for natural gas.

. . . wonder what all the fuss is when homeowners are forced to abandon their houses in the woods when the government destroys the access roads.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . support sending our troops to a foreign country that poses no imminent threat to us in order to liberate the natives and engage in nation-building.

. . . declare that foreign aid helps the average citizens of those countries that receive it.

. . . want others to pay for your humanitarian impulses.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . would rather police focus their efforts on arresting ticket scalpers and prostitutes than on tracking down, convicting, and incarcerating violent criminals.

. . . want to impose your moral code on strangers.

. . . itch to make other people act as you believe they should act.

. . . do not accept that we still have involuntary servitude in this nation.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . operate from the premise that morality is relative.

. . . condemn logic, reason, and objectivity as tools of white male oppression.

. . . equate non-coercive choice and actions of which you disapprove with fascism.

You might be a fascist if you . . .

. . . object to the examples in this essay.

. . . think you are free.

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