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Political Horoscopes for the Left & the Right
Aries: You will discover that your official name has been mysteriously changed, at which point you will change it back to Arlen Specter.
Taurus: After putting your account in debt 1 billion dollars, your spouse will say it’s because you don’t give her enough money.
Gemini: Searching for an explanation of the 2004 election, you turn to the legacy of JFK for enlightenment and blame Kerry’s defeat on the disenfranchisement of the deceased community.
Cancer: Love may not be the key ingredient to an ideal society, as you have argued, but it will be the key ingredient in your lunchtime burrito.
Leo: As a woman, you’ve heard the cliché that “men are like buses - a new one comes every twenty minutes.” But it will never ring falser than when you make love to your new Campus Dem boyfriend for the first time.
Virgo: You will finally gather the guts to take a stand for your principles, when you promise to move out of this country if George W. Bush wins the next election.
Libra: After months of being laid-off, your hopes for something to come along and put you back on your feet are finally met when you get a hemorrhoid.
Scorpio: Gathering from your experience as a liberal-guilt lover, you will write a sex-advice book for males called “No, It Does Not Taste Like Chicken.”
Sagittarius: You will travel back in time to visit your idol, Sigmund Freud, only to be insulted after his answer to everything is “yo’ mama.”
Capricorn: FDR will spoon-feed you some alphabet soup, pat your head, and gently kiss you on the neck. And then you’ll wake up.
Aquarius: Resolving to finally get some attention from your neighbors on Elite Circle, you pack up and move to Arab St.
Pisces: The stars indicate that you will embark on a monumental, six-to-eight month relationship with a Cancer.
For the Right
Aries: You are crowned Sex Symbol of the Republican Party. Thousands of women can’t wait to not have sex with you until marriage.
Taurus: Most of your friends on the Religious Right convert to atheism, upon the theological discovery that it isn’t being a homosexual but rather raising a homosexual that is a sin.
Gemini: Reagan’s legacy will inspire you during foreplay, but the giddiness that leads you to yell “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that bra!” will only turn to queasy confusion when you realize that your bedfellow is, in fact, Mr. Gorbachev.
Cancer: Inspired by the famous movie, you will found a Kill The Poets Society - “Because last time we checked, violets were violet.”
Leo: Don’t blame the zodiac reader for your new spouse’s poor body, lack of energy, and random gear-shifts. We never told you to marry a Ford Taurus.
Virgo: You will discover true poetic justice when your homophobic friend gets raped by the ghost of Walt Whitman.
Libra: Among the many qualities you admire in your new crush, her attraction to tighty-whitey tan lines is surely the most convenient one.
Scorpio: You are finally able to reconcile your religious views with your fondness for prostitution, when you realize that nothing could be more antithetical to “free love.”
Sagittarius: While Ayn Rand was successful in avoiding men with beards, your efforts will prove less successful in avoiding women with beards.
Capricorn: During an untimely hot-flash, you try to cool yourself down by remembering Austin Powers and repeating Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! - but that only makes things worse.
Aquarius: Your conscience won’t allow you to go on the record opposing sex education, as you know that without it you would’ve never learned the undeniably useful technique of how to put a condom on a dildo.
Pisces: You will come to the conclusion that a part of you has died, when you realize that you’re paralyzed from the waist down.
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