Taxing Fundamentals
by Lindsay Perigo
[Editor's Note: This is from The Politically Incorrect Show, September 21, 1999. The Alliance, then in opposition, was the most left-wing party in New Zealand's Parliament. Its leader was Jim Anderton. Its supporters were deeply stupid. As host of the PI Show, I routinely referred to them as "Alliance Retards." The party became the Labour Party's coalition partner in government in November, 1999. It advocated a punitive, progressive income tax regime. Mr. Anderton became Deputy-Prime Minister & Minister for Economic Development. The Alliance imploded three years later, but Mr. Anderton survived, retaining his parliamentary seat as leader of a new party, The Progressives. He also retained his Economic Development portfolio.]
Ladies and gentlemen -- the Alliance has released its latest tax proposal. The party is now promising to supply free food, clothing and shelter to all citizens with an IQ under 50 -- that is, its own supporters -- funded by means of a penis tax.
"We already intend to tax everything in sight," says Alliance leader Jim Neanderton; "now it's time to think of taxing things *out* of sight. Hitherto the penis has been exempt from tax, partly because it spends much of its time unemployed and/or hard up. Also, it has two dependents, both of whom are nuts. These are things to which we must be sensitive. Nonetheless, many people with penises have had the balls to be successful, and a tax on their penises would be a potent way of stiffening our commitment to suppressing such anti-social tendencies. Accordingly, starting January 1 next year, the penis will be taxed. According to its size, naturally -- another way of compensating for nakedly unfair inequalities. 10-12 inches will attract a Luxury Tax of $5000 each financial year; 8-10 inches, a Pole Tax of $3000; 6-8 inches, an Entertainment Tax of $2000; 4-6 inches, a Fringe Benefit Tax of $1000. Anything under 4 inches will earn a rebate."
This last category is understood to be that to which most Alliance members belong.
Asked if this proposal might serve as an incentive to big penis-owners to take anti-aphrodisiacs, Mr Neanderton became quite aroused. "That's what's so impressive about the penis ... er, penis tax. It will create a number of flow-on effects upstream -- in this case, we shall enlarge the tax on aphrodisiacs five-fold. How fruitful is that?!"
Asked whether the tax wasn't discriminatory against men, Mr Neanderton replied, "Well you must understand that the tax was conceived with our support ... our supporters ... in mind. Looking at our women supporters, it was clear to us that a depreciation allowance would be more appropriate, even though, for understandable reasons, there was no wear-and-tear at all."
Asked whether the tax wasn't simply a means of penalising men for the sin of having greater-than-average endowments, Mr Neanderton screamed, "Yes, yes, oh, oh, oh God, oh my God, yes, yes!"
In spite of being mopped up and hosed down, he died.
His last words were, "Retards rule, OK?"
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