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Hazards of Benevolence Among the many ways a person can extend benevolence to others, the more prominent ones include an offering of moral generosity, i.e., giving a person the benefit of the doubt within the bounds of reason. For instance, if I see someone engaging in what might be a moral breach, I might want to learn more about his character to see if he is making an honest error or purposely engaging in harmful action. Another way to extend benevolence is through a mentorship relationship. Those Objectivists who have studied and practiced the philosophy for many years might enjoy sharing what they have learned with those just starting to learn. It was through the role as a mentor that I learned some of the hazards of benevolently giving a protégé the benefit of the doubt. The Telephone Call Since 1999, I have run an Objectivist discussion group that meets monthly in a local bookstore. Our website listed my name and telephone number. In late 2003, I received a call from a polite young man, an eighteen-year old, named "Gregorio." He asked if our group had a "headquarters" he could visit. I chuckled and said, "No, the only 'headquarters' we have is my living room." During our subsequent talk, he shared that he had been raised in a Catholic home by Latin American parents; that his father had died when he was fourteen; that his mother had since remarried; and that he had recently discovered Ayn Rand and had found our website via a Google search. He wanted to learn all he could and sought a mentor to help him to understand. I agreed that a mentor can help a newcomer to understand some of the more complex points of any philosophy and consented to engage in telephone discussions at mutually agreeable times. My first impression of Gregorio was that he was a well-mannered young man of reasonable intelligence and basic honesty. Over the ensuing months, Gregorio revealed incidents in his life that gradually eroded that impression. In the end, he committed such an act of unforgivable violence that he demolished it completely, and drove me to break all relations with him. The Mentoring Challenge One of the first favors I did for Gregorio was to arrange a carpool for him from the Orlando area to Merritt Island so he could participate in our monthly discussions. One of our group members, "Richard," makes that lengthy commute and generously opened his vehicle to this new passenger. However, due to schedule conflicts, it would be several months before he could actually make it to a meeting. In the meantime, I talked to Gregorio over the phone once or twice per week to answer questions and offer suggestions. I came to learn that he had the misfortune of a troubled youth and wanted to reform himself. He evidently had anger and impulse management issues earlier in his adolescence and had gotten himself into trouble enough times to warrant suspensions and expulsions. These difficulties included his initiations of physical force through traditional and sexual assaults against other classmates. He had also attempted suicide at least once and had spent some time in a local mental ward. He also suggested an adversarial relationship with his stepfather, contending that the older man had hit him on several occasions while he was still a minor. "I see," said I, wondering exactly what I could do to help. Given that he was now a legal adult, I suggested that he take a look at what it would take to get him out of the house and away from his mother and stepfather. "You know from Objectivism that there is a strong relationship between productivity and self-esteem," I explained. "Why don't you check http://www.roommates.com and the local newspapers and see what's available? I have some personal finance books I will mail you. Do you know how to use Excel? You do? Good. Your assignment for next week is to create a spreadsheet with basic housing and utility costs along with your expected income. Since you have no car and no license, you'll have to focus on areas that have city bus routes. Your assignment for the week after that is to skim the two personal finance books I am sending, More Wealth Without Risk and Financial Self-Defense by Charles Givens. They're obsolete for me but they'll do just fine for a young person getting started." A week passed. "Got those estimates?" I asked. "No." "Why not?" "I guess time just got gone and I didn't do it." "Well, let's try again next week." Another week passed. "Got that spreadsheet started?" "No." "Well, did you read any of the Givens books?" "No." "Well, what's the holdup?" "I am just having trouble getting motivated," he explained. "All right, let's start smaller. I have an extra copy of SuperSelf by Charles Givens I will send you. Your assignment for next week will be to identify your Dreams List." "What is a Dreams List?" "If you had unlimited time, talent, money, ability and support from your family, what would you do with your life? Ask yourself that question and write everything that comes to mind." Another week passed. Gregorio called me, quite excited. "Luke! This is great! I wrote down this whole list of dreams and I already did three of them!" "Wonderful!" I replied. "What did you do?" "Well, I always wanted to try this new brand of cigarettes, so I went right out and bought a pack and tried them! Then, I always wanted to go to the top of one of the tallest buildings in Orlando with my girlfriend, so we did that! Then, I always wanted to have dinner with her at this particular restaurant, so we did that, too!" "Great!" I replied. "Do you have incentives to live now?" "Yes!" "Glad to hear it," I said. "Your assignment for next week is to read the first few chapters of SuperSelf and then write a ranked list of your core values." Gregorio called me the next week, even more excited. "I wrote my values list!" "Well, what are they?" "Well, first I want to take care of my physical health. Then, I want to take care of my mental health. Then..." and he proceeded through a list of other values that included his girlfriend and other notables. "And my ninth value is ... cigarettes!" he said proudly. "Wait a minute," I asked, "how do you reconcile value nine with value one, your health?" "Well, smoking just always seemed the very Randian thing to do!" "Ugh. You realize Ayn Rand died of lung cancer and quit smoking after she was diagnosed, right?" "Well, yeah," he muttered, "I read it in The Passion of Ayn Rand." "Then why are you smoking?!" "Okay, I see your point. Maybe one of my goals needs to be to quit smoking." "Sounds good. Why don't you write a goals list and include that? That's your assignment for next week." Unfortunately, this process of mentoring met a rude interruption from a violent domestic conflict. The Stepfather I received a voice mail from Gregorio a few days later announcing that he would not be able to attend his first Objectivist meeting as planned. He had gotten into a fistfight with his stepfather that turned very violent and left the stepfather hospitalized. According to Gregorio, his stepfather had physically assaulted him when he attempted to answer the front door. Gregorio exploded in rage, punching the older man, smashing dishes across his face and body, dragging him onto the front lawn and publicly scorning him as he continually struck the older man. Gregorio was calling from the local mental ward, where his mother had placed him to prevent his arrest and detention. He said he really wanted to see me. I had other things to do, but my wife, to whom Gregorio had talked briefly on a number of occasions, agreed to pay him a brief visit on her way back from an errand near that hospital. After his release, a restraining order the stepfather had placed against Gregorio prevented him from returning to the home of his parents. His mother placed him temporarily in a local hotel, where I paid him a brief visit one afternoon while running an errand at the nearby university. Our first face-to-face meeting also allowed me to meet his girlfriend, "Jeanne," a kind young lady whose irregular gait betrayed her cerebral palsy, and his mother, a liberal Latina Catholic. "This kid is in some serious trouble," she explained. "My husband has told me he will divorce me if I let him back into the house and I can't afford that. This place is costing me a fortune. I need to find him some place to stay long term." I could feel a potential for getting myself pulled into an undesirable situation. I kept my guard up. My caution proved warranted. In the coming weeks, the mother sought affordable housing for her son and needed a cosigner for the apartment. She even asked me if he could live in my house. Gregorio learned of this and apologized, explaining that he did not want his mother asking such favors of me. Eventually, she located a one bedroom apartment in a decent neighborhood, arranged the lease and moved him into the place. Gregorio finally got settled enough to attend a few Objectivist meetings. Richard commented that Gregorio seemed wound rather tight and needed to learn to chill. Gregorio demonstrated a sincere interest in understanding the ideas discussed and how to apply them. However, I did notice a consistent evasion of certain uncomfortable facts about himself, such as his lack of focus on long range goals and his total dependence on his mother for his basic needs -- food, clothing, and shelter. To make matters worse, he showed little to no respect for his mother. This upset my wife so much that I granted her the phone during one of our discussions so she could tell him how he needed to pay his mother the respect she was due. As later events would show, it is hard to respect the human equivalent of a floor mat. One of the most egregious examples of maternal disrespect came when he briefly broke with Jeanne to allow a girl he just met, "Fanta," to move into his apartment with him at no charge. This upset his mother a great deal. I warned him that he was jeopardizing his circumstances with such a major flouting of his mother's financial authority. "She could just cut you off cold and let you get kicked to the curb," I warned. "She won't do that," he snickered. "She won't do that." Within two weeks, moocher Fanta moved from moocher Gregorio's apartment. Amazingly, Jeanne took Gregorio back into her arms. The Straw To Break My Back During all these theatrics, Gregorio never made a serious attempt that I could see to become his own, financially independent person. At one point, he could detect my frustration with him. "I guess you're starting to get pissed at me for not getting myself straight financially, aren't you?" he asked. "You guessed right," I grunted. Given his status as a moocher, he had the audacity to criticize his disabled girlfriend for applying for Social Security benefits. I told him that as long as the government forces people participate in this system, any person can justifiably apply for the benefits of this system. If he had such a moral problem with her, why did he not just end his relationship with her? He might benefit from learning to be happy alone, anyway. But he resisted that option. One afternoon, he called me with terror in his voice. "Luke!" he screamed. "Oh, thank God you're there! Something terrible just happened!" "What happened?" "I just beat the living daylights out of Jeanne!" "You did what?!" "I ... I don't know what happened. I found out that she cashed her Social Security check, and I ... I got on my bicycle and rode to her house, and I ... I just lost it! I just got so mad at her that I started hitting her and I ... I just couldn't stop myself! I'm calling you from a pay phone because I'm scared to go back to my apartment ... " "You do realize you are going to jail over this, don't you?" "What?" "Don't 'What?' me, boy. The police are waiting for you at your apartment right now. I guarantee it. You know what you did was wrong. You know it. Now you will have to pay the price." A long silence fell between us. Gregorio spoke first, the panic in his voice all too evident. "But you ... you don't think any less of me for this, do you, Luke? I mean, you're not going to abandon me over this, are you, Luke? Luke? Luke! You're not going to break up with me over this, are you, Luke?!" "Goodbye, Gregorio." As expected, Gregorio spent the weekend in jail. He had the nerve to relay through his mother a request that I post $100 bail for him. "Ma'am, your son is exactly where he belongs," I replied coolly. The hysteria in her voice steadily rose to a crescendo. "But you are his mentor! You don't understand! I am afraid of my son! He says all these crazy things about killing people and taking guns and blowing people away! My husband says he will divorce me if I bail him out! That poor girl, he put her in the hospital! I don't know what's wrong with him! He rode his bicycle for thirty minutes to get there and he nearly beat her to death! He broke every single thing in his apartment and do you know, like a stupid person, I cleaned all that up?! I don't know why he is so angry. He goes to a psychologist every week and he never talks about why he is so angry. All he talks about is his atheism and Ayn Rand ... and you! Why is he like this? You don't have any children! You don't know what it's like! He is my son! My only child! He is my blood! He is my blooooooooooood! Why would he beat this girl for getting government checks? He knows I pay for his support with checks from the government!" "Excuse me? You mean he beat his girlfriend for cashing the same kind of checks you get to support him while he doesn't work?" "Yes!" "Ma'am, your son is exactly where he belongs," I repeated even more coolly. "Goodbye." I shared these events with his Objectivist carpool driver, Richard. We both agreed that we did not want Gregorio at any more of our meetings lest we endanger more lives. In addition, Richard's reflexive mastery of martial arts would likely make Gregorio the fatal loser in any physical clash between them. I vowed to have nothing more to do with Gregorio or his family. I had granted him generosity to the edge of reason -- and, I learned too late, beyond it. I wrote him a farewell letter explaining my decision and mailed it to him. He attempted to reach me via e-mail. I added him to my list of blocked senders. He attempted to reach me through a pseudonymous e-mail address. I saw through his ploy and blocked that address as well. He attempted to call me. I used Caller ID to ignore him. He left me voicemail messages saying he could not understand why I would not talk to him, and explaining that he felt "very ashamed" and "very afraid." I did not return his calls. Six months later, I answered a call from an unknown number in Orlando. "Luke!" said the voice. "It's Gregorio!" "What a surprise," I muttered, caught off guard. "How are things?" he asked. "Fine until just now." "Why won't you talk to me?" he giggled. "Because you have demonstrated a violent temper beyond reason and I want nothing to do with it." "That was six months ago!" he laughed. "Goodbye, Gregorio." I have not talked to him since. Lessons Learned Hindsight, as usual, has more clarity than foresight. I should have given Gregorio less benefit of the doubt and more doubt. What he needed was not a nurturing mentor, but a drill sergeant. In any case, I took the hard lessons learned and incorporated them into the SOLO Florida page when I opted to move our Objectivist group under that banner. While I still consider benevolence a major virtue, I have shrunk what I consider "the bounds of reason" for generosity substantially. Anyone who consults my advice had better prepare for a kick in the seat of the pants from a very unapologetic mentor.
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