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JOE versus SAM Toastmasters Advanced ManualThe Entertaining SpeakerSpeech 2: Resources for EntertainmentAyn Rand illustrated her concept of a man of high self-esteem in her novel The Fountainhead through its hero, Howard Roark, whom she described as a man who "does not need others or depend on others in any fundamental issue of his life." Persons of low self-esteem consistently feel a need to attach themselves parasitically to others. Persons of high self-esteem internalize a rational method of validation and then act on it. A debilitating sense of low self-esteem and its resultant dependence on others manifests itself most insidiously in romantic relationships. One anonymous acquaintance nicknamed Brother Kermit shared some jewels of wisdom in an Internet discussion forum. He contrasts the man of low self-esteem with the man of high self-esteem regarding how each handles his romantic relationships with women. I call these two archetypes Joe and Sam:
Regarding the differences between men and women, Joe believes the only difference between the genders is physical. Sam accepts that men and women process information differently and uses this knowledge to communicate more effectively with women. When striving to "know himself," Joe only thinks he knows himself since his actions do not flow congruently from his beliefs. Sam really does know himself since his actions do flow congruently from his beliefs. When categorizing and setting standards for the women in his life, Joe believes no difference exists between the women he wants to date and the women he wants to marry. Sam has definite and specific standards for the women he dates and the women he marries. When dealing with loneliness, Joe sees the woman as the key to end his loneliness. Sam has too full a life ever to feel lonely. Who is the prize? Joe sees the woman as the prize. Sam sees himself as the prize. When pursuing happiness, Joe believes, "A woman will make me happy." Sam understands, "My happiness is my own personal responsibility." In his goals and methodology, Joe remains rigid in his approach and flexible in his goal. Sam remains rigid in his goal and flexible in his approach. When he sets out to meet a woman, Joe thinks, "I hope she will like me, or I will be crushed." Sam asserts, "I will discover if she is worthy of the wonderment I can offer her." When he approaches new women, Joe has fear in mind. Sam has fun at heart. When using persuasion to meet and date women, Joe feels guilty approaching women. Sam sees it as an opportunity to make women feel the good feelings they already seek. When attempting to engage in conversation, Joe wants her to be interested in him. Sam expresses genuine curiosity about her. In his attempts to impress a woman, Joe tries with facts. Sam succeeds by asking questions that require her to look deeply within herself and then listening intensely. When a woman promises to call, Joe waits anxiously by the phone, never letting his attentions stray. Sam pursues other women in the meantime. When a friend wants to set him up on a blind date, Joe thinks, "I hope she likes me." Sam responds, "I do not date. Let us make it a group thing, or I can casually meet her for coffee." When a woman stands him up, Joe goes home alone and sulks. Sam plans the event so he can enjoy himself whether she shows or not. When he listens to what a woman says she wants, Joe tries to give her what she says she wants. Sam forgets what she says she wants, and finds out what she really desires, and then anchors those feelings to Sam. When a woman asks him if she looks fat, Joe tells her she looks beautiful. Sam agrees she looks fat, and suggests she lose weight and tone up. When talking about ex-girlfriends to the new woman in his life, Joe tells her everything his ex-girlfriends did wrong, how they hurt him and betrayed his trust, and how much he hates them. Sam remains on good terms with past women in his life -- and in the situation where the leaving was unpleasant, Sam shows gratitude for the relationship for his own self-learning, thus comforting the new woman in his life that he will not speak ill of her after the relationship has run its course. When a woman starts to give him nonsense, Joe tolerates her nonsense to show he can be loving and supportive since he does not want to risk losing her. Sam calls her on her nonsense every time because he has no time in his life for any nonsense from anyone. When a lady friend starts talking about how her boyfriend treats her poorly, Joe comforts her and becomes her friend and therapist. Sam changes the topic and changes her state so that she only associates good thoughts and good feelings with Sam. When a woman says, "Let's just be friends," Joe agrees in the hopes that she will change her mind once she gets to know him. Sam agrees and tells her to set him up with her friend Mary, whom he finds quite attractive. When listening to how women justify their behavior, Joe expects women to justify their behavior rationally and gets upset when they do not. Sam expects women to justify their behavior emotionally and uses that knowledge to structure his own opportunities. When dealing with secrecy, Joe shares information about his past relationships with whoever will listen. Sam tells no one anything, thus keeping each relationship a shared secret experience. There you have it, my friends: A detailed contrast between the man who justifies himself through others and the man who assures himself through his own independent thinking. You can massage these examples in your own mind to make them fit the appropriate gender or orientation. The question remains: Into which category do you fall? Related Links 1. Being a Man in a Woman's World 2. Double Your Dating 3. Speed Seduction
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