The Americans with No Life Act
by Luke Setzer
Humorously Speaking
Speech 1: Warm Up Your Audience
Members of the media, I am White House Press Secretary Napoleon Hobbes, and I want to welcome you to our first official press conference of the year 2013. We called this press conference today to explain landmark legislation just passed behind closed doors on Capitol Hill.
My great ancestor, Thomas Hobbes, informed us centuries ago that life is indeed short, nasty and brutish, and he proved that we need an authoritarian state to keep us all civilized. It has taken our nation these many centuries to reach a point where we come can even come close to saying that we have genuine social equality. But there remains a final, oppressed group that continues to suffer under nasty and brutish social conditions thanks to the over-privileged social elites. That remaining oppressed minority, downtrodden for generations, we all know as the nerds – the nerds. For far too long, the beautiful people of the world have shunned them of courtship opportunities and deprived them of their natural birthright – the right to guaranteed romantic love.
Today marks the end of generations of elitist oppression of nerds thanks to the lobbying efforts of the Coalition for Reparations to Awkward People – CRAP. Through the relentless efforts of CRAP, both Congress and the White House had their offices literally overflowing with CRAP. In fact, Washington, DC could find no relief from this backup of CRAP until the passage of this new legislation to push CRAP out of its system.
Behind closed doors, Congress and the White House crafted breakthrough legislation which our new President, Ronald McDonald, has just signed into law. We call it the Extracurricularly Intensive Equal Inclusion Opportunity Act, or E-I-E-I-O. Yes, indeed, President McDonald signed a law, E-I-E-I-O. This landmark legislation brings an end to generations of unfair discrimination in the world of romance. At last, nerds will by law have romantic opportunities opened to them with society's most elite people – the athletes and beauty queens.
No longer will the athletically and cosmetically over-privileged have the unearned and socially unjust liberty to turn down nerds for dates. Instead, E-I-E-I-O authorizes the government to penalize any such discrimination with heavy fines and jail time for those over-privileged elites who deprive nerds of equal opportunities for romantic interludes.
The E-I-E-I-O Act, which Vice President Bill Gates has nicknamed the Americans with No Life Act, authorizes the creation of a new training authority, the Nerd Corps, to train millions of foot soldiers in our new war against nerd romantic discrimination. These foot soldiers, the E-I-E-I-O Counselors, will monitor America's dating scene and immediately order dissolution of relationships not serving the greater good of romantic reparations to nerds for generations of past oppressions to their nerd ancestors.
We expect challenges to this law to fail since we have ample precedent for government regulation of private conduct. Many decades have proven the value of authorizing government to control our schools, our workplaces, our homes and even our bodies for the sake of a greater good. The world of romance remains the final virgin territory our government needs to penetrate to set us all on equal ground.
With that said, I have just spotted an attractive female athlete in the audience whom I have determined owes me some romantic reparations for past oppressions of my nerd ancestors – and I intend to collect. Let me close this press conference now so I can be the first to put this new law into action.
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