Thunderous Replies to Thoughtless Remarks
by Luke Setzer
The Entertaining Speaker
Speech 3: Make Them Laugh
Every day, you get smacked across the face with remarks that hold hidden assumptions about the nature of things—ass-umptions that underhandedly undermine your self-esteem and self-confidence.
Remarks like:
- If I were you ...
- When I was your age ...
- Why can’t we just be friends?
Many human resource training companies today offer courses about
- how to “seek first to understand, then to be understood”
- how to build rapport
- how to foster understanding
I will not be teaching you those skills today!
What I will teach you is
- not how to build bridges, but how to burn them
- not how to foster communication, but how to terminate it
- not how to love your enemies, but how to demolish them
I am going to show you strategies for getting the makers of destructive ass-umptions to shut up and never bother you again with their thoughtless remarks!
You need defenses against these attacks!
You need … thunderous replies to thoughtless remarks!
First, consider the ever-intrusive, ever-presumptive, thoughtless remark:
- “If I were you, I would do blank.”
What’s the hidden assumption behind this phrase? The hidden assumption is that somehow, some way, the assumer could step into your shoes and replace your vast lifetime of experience, knowledge, abilities and values with his own.
- In what universe is he living?
- Does he ever consider the impossibility of his ass-umption? No!
- Does he take a candid look at his own BS – Belief System – to see the errors of his ways? No!
- Has anyone ever bothered to correct his BS to break him of this destructive habit? No!
So it is not only your right, but your moral obligation to yourself, to break this uncivilized savage of his horrible verbal habit. Here is the proper thunderous reply to his thoughtless remark:
- “You are absolutely correct. If you were I, you would do blank. But guess what? You are not I, you have never been I, and you will never be I. Therefore, your entire statement is moot!”
As your opponent gently edges his way against the wall toward a safe shelter, you can rest assured that he will never bother you again.
Next, ponder this thoughtless remark:
- “When I was your age, we blank.”
Fill in the blank with your favorite recollection of inverted nostalgia:
- “walked to school five miles through the snow”
- “took baths just once a week”
- “got by with an outhouse”
What’s the hidden assumption behind this phrase? The hidden assumption is that somehow, some way, you should feel ashamed for wanting a better life than you have now.
- In what era is he living?
- Does he ever consider the undesirability of his ass-umption? No!
- Does he take a candid look at his own BS – Belief System – to see the errors of his ways? No!
- Has anyone ever bothered to correct his BS to break him of this destructive habit? No!
So it is not only your right, but your moral obligation to yourself, to break this uncivilized savage of his horrible verbal habit.
Here is the proper thunderous reply to his thoughtless remark:
- “You are absolutely correct. When you were my age, you did indeed do blank. But guess what? That was a hundred years ago, and times have gotten better! Meanwhile, all you have done is to get worse. In fact, now that you are your age, you’re old, you’re slow, you’re stupid, and you’ve got no style!”
As your opponent keels over with cardiac arrest from hearing your well-deserved thunderous reply, you can rest assured that he will never bother you again.
Finally, we turn to the many splintered thing called love.
Today, in America, we have the mating ritual called “asking for the date”. In spite of decades of feminism, the burden of “asking for the date” still almost always falls on the shoulders of the male gender. Of course, males, especially teenage males, hang a great deal of their self-esteem on successfully accomplishing this first stage of the long courtship ritual called “dating”.
There remains one problem: The female can say no!
Not only can she say no, she can say it in such a way that a psychologically unarmed male can leave his self-esteem completely vulnerable to her demolition. In his mind, she has effectively shut him out of the entire game of courtship, yet she still remains in his presence to tease him and to tempt him with what he wants most--what he knows he cannot have!
How does she accomplish this nefarious destruction?
Six little words that spell the ultimate thoughtless remark:
-
“Why can’t we just be friends?”
Translation:
- “I wouldn’t pick you to be my mate if you were the last man on earth! In fact, I am going to take this two-by-four right now and smash it so hard between your eyes that you will never ask any woman to be her mate again!”
You get the picture. It is time for emergency surgery on the male’s BS—Belief System—so he can rescue his self-esteem, preserve his dignity and get back into the courtship game pronto! This calls for, not one, not two, but three—yes, three—possible responses, three thunderous replies to this thoughtless remark.
- Number One
“Why can’t we just be friends?”
“Next!”
- Number Two
“Why can’t we just be friends?”
“Honey, I have enough friends already!”
- Finally, Number Three, my personal favorite
“Why can’t we just be friends?”
“Of course we can just be friends—and the first favor I’d like to ask of you, as my friend, is for you to fix me up with your friend Mary over there! She looks pretty hot!”
In conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, what I have shown you today represents just a small sampling of all possible thunderous replies to thoughtless remarks! Their purveyors seek to destroy you every day, ladies and gentlemen! It’s time to fight back! Go forth now to create your own thunderous replies and use them to defend your minds and your spirits against all thoughtless remarks!
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