Bernstein Apology (humor)
by Kyrel Zantonavitch
As a lifelong friend of Andrew Bernstein, he has asked me to issue the following expatiation and official statement on his behalf to the SOLO Forum audience:
TO ALL SINCERELY CONCERNED WITH OUR BELOVED CULT OF OBJECTIVISM
By Andrew "No Honor or Self-Respect" Bernstein
In the words of the great Jimmy Swaggart and ARI role-model: "I have sinned against you, my Lord!" And I sincerely mean this -- only much more pathetically and selflessly.
Last year Chris Sciabarra cagely solicited from me an "article" for his "journal" in response to its "review" of my Cliffs Notes on Ayn Rand's novels. He did this for what purpose I know not, and I leave it to you to decide.
All I previously knew of the devilishly-clever Mr. Sciabarra, this so-called Objectivist and honest thinker, was that he had written a strange book entitled Ayn Rand: the Russian Radical, in which he argued that Rand was a great thinker -- and thence preceeded to use his honest and intelligent mind to analyze her in an independent and scholarly manner. (His purpose in this is simply inscrutable.)
Knowing nothing of his journal (I've been living on Mars of late), nor of any other honest, intelligent, independent, Objectivist acholars (do such things actually exist?!), I decided to throw this no-name loser a bone, and wrote two or three deliberately crappy lines in response (even more crappy than usual, I mean). This was a titanically unforgiveable act of moral depravity on my part. (A breach of morality, not an error of judgment -- you know the drill.)
In light of this horrific transgression, I hereby conclude I am scum. In my opinion, crucifixion is too good for me (which see 'Monty Python's Life of Brian'). I was irresponsibly out of focus and grossly guilty of intrincicisismism, whim-worshipping, context-dropping, and measurement-omission. In not researching this thoroughly disreputable journal and identifying its fundamentally fraudulent nature, I deserve to be severely spanked. To partially punish myself and show obeisance to the holy god ARI (not related to the Greek Aries, of course), as well as to the Demiurge Peikoff, I'm wearing a hairshirt even as I type. (And my ill-tempered, somewhat-less-than-comely dominatrix is currently dressed in a Rand-outfit and preparing to brutally whip my naked bum. I deserve this.)
In a world in which some "individuals" profess to "like" Ayn Rand's "ideas," but instead mischieviously make a living thinking about it seriously, honestly, critically, "independently," etc., my behavior was blasphemy. And in an unaccountably perverse world where some people similarly profess to admire Objectivism but deviantly choose to insult and fleer the High Holy Church of the Ayn Rand Institute, its zombie staff, its cultist drone lecturers, its cyborg Randroid supporters, and other sundry, tithing, braindead, souless contributors -- I should have known better. For shame. A pox on me! To partially recompense, I plan on saying over one thousand (1000) "Hail Mary"s.
The so-called Journal of Ayn Rand Studies is filled with writings by people with whom I refuse to knowingly associate under any circumstances. I refuse to even THINK about them -- and on this my mind control is very strong, believe me. I deeply regret my thoughtless decision to contribute to this journal and notorious enemy of the people. I thus hereby herewith irrevocably repudiate any and all association with it. In this regard, the fault is entirely my own. (I'm such an asshole.) This journal does not hide what it is. Its blantantly non-cultist status, sectarian heresy, and anti-Borg contents are shamelessly available on the Internet for all to see. In failing to do the requisite research (by leaving my Martian lair and mock-Batcave) and gather the necessary data, I failed to properly use my mind. I must now suffer the consequences of that. In fealty to the sacred revealed religion of Rand, I now prostrate myself before all of you. ("Thank you sir!, may I have another!")
To all who are sincerely concerned with our embarrassing, pitiable, vermicular Cult of Objectivism, I most selflessly apologize. Quite simply, I'm pathetic. No-one is a bigger loser and wierdo horse's ass than me! Praise god and ARI! And to continue, exacerbate, and complete my total self-sacrifice and personal abasement, I hereby recommend a complete and utter repudiation, ostracism, boycott and nuclear strike of this journal and all who read it -- or have even heard of it. I also welcome this opportunity to show myself pitiful, pathetic and self-abnegating beyond all human comprehension -- all in the name of Miss Miss Rand. Thus I hereby purge and excommunicate and spit upon Mr. Sciabarra utterly and permanently with no chance ever of reprieve or appeal (so don't ask).
I ask these things in Jesus' name.
--Andy "Spank Me, Mommy" Bernstein
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