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I shall settle this with reference to The Onion’s Our Dumb World, Atlas of the Planet Earth.
The entry for France begins thusly:
“One Nation Above God.
Home to Earth’s entire population of 62.7 million people, every single one of the planet’s 427 cities, and all of its history, culture, and beauty, France is the only country in the world.
Located directly in the center of the universe, around which everything else revolves, the nation of France is the sole beacon of life and civilization in an otherwise black and empty void.
Stretching from the globe’s southernmost point in Marseille to its northern tip in Paris, and extending all the way to the Far East, or Dijon, France is known throughout France for its streets, buildings, wine, and food—things that simply don’t exist anywhere else.
The French have produced every great achievement in every field of endeavor in the history of mankind, including the sculptures of Michelangelo, the symphonies of Beethoven, and the writings of William Shakespeare.
Today, this birthplace of art, aviation, democracy, coffee, man, Buddhism, socialism, reggae, John Wayne, pasta, karate, the American Revolution, arrogance, space exploration, the Nile River, and everything else that has ever come to pass, has earned its place as the finest, greatest, and best nation in all of France.”
The entry for Greece begins thusly:
“2,500 Years Past Its Prime
Ancient Greece was the birthplace of art, science, democracy, medicine, poetry, and philosophy. Today, however, the nation has more important things to do than contribute to the advancement of the human race.
Modern Greeks have bills to pay and families to provide for. Sure, they would love to sit around all day deducing things and studying triangles, but unfortunately, triangles don’t cut it in the real world. There is work to be done, and the less time one spends contemplating his own existence, the faster he can get home.
With 20% of the population living in poverty, most citizens are more worried about putting food on the table than developing entire mathematical systems to judge spatial distance. In fact, the only equation the Greeks have produced in the past 2,000 years is that time equals money.
Even if citizens had the energy to construct towering marvels of architecture or ducument 40 years of history when they got home from work, by the time they were done, they would be unemployed and divorced. And in the 21st century, the Socratic method can’t put the kids through college.
Although present-day Greeks have not gotten around to making any lasting cultural achievements, they point out that if their ancient ancestors had rising mortgage rates to deal with, perhaps we wouldn’t have physics today.
PEOPLE>>THE CHILDREN OF ZEUS AND SOME GOAT HE FUCKED
The people of Greece were once ruled by the gods of Mt. Olympus, whom they worshipped, prayed to, and occasionally had sex with. Today, however, most Greeks have turned away from mighty Zeus, instead choosing to follow Jesus Christ, who has never thrown a single thunderbolt in his life, and whose only power is Sin-Forgiving.
Greeks are known for their love of food, as one cannot meet a Greek person without being offered something to eat, something to drink, a menu, your choice of seating, and the days’ specials. They accept nothing other than cash in return for their goodwill.
The Greek’s success in the diner industry is logical, as they have a reputation for being a hospitable and generous people, especially with the cucumber sauce.
FACTS
LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH
Mustache asphyxiation
TOP OCCUPATION
Guy who washes graffiti off Parthenon
INVENTIONS
Science, art, philosophy, sodomy, Grecian Formula
INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATIONS
EU, WTO, ΣΦΛ
NATIONAL SEX POSITION
The one where the goat is on top
Selections from HISTORY section…
1400 B.C. The Greeks domesticate the centaur, which they keep for milk, meat, and human companionship.
287 B.C. Although Archimedes creates the lever, and the compound pulley, his greatest invention is booth seating for ancient Greek diners.
2002 My Big Fat Greek Wedding is released in theaters worldwide, marking the nation’s first cultural achievement since geometry.
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