Sadomasochism
The innocent start of a lesbian sadomasochist and it's implications for an egocentric (almost-)objectivist!
In my second year of university I changed from Munich to Bayreuth where I met my first 300% Lesbian. Studying English Literature at a German university is sth of a woman's domain. But she was definitely a very different class of woman and it was a joy to be openly lesbian with her in class. This open joy was not only of personal benefit: one of our professors was so impressed with our knowledge of women's (and lesbian) literature, that he got us our own classroom and the first 'Lesbian Literature' course at a German university!
See how innocent it starts - now what does all this have to do with sadomasochism?
Bear with me: having been somewhat of an expert on lesbian literature in those days, she asked me quite innocently if I knew any lesbian SM literature to add to the reader for our course. I didn't and with my usual zest for lesbian literature I dove in ... a few weeks, and many gay and women's presses, later (you couldn't buy lesbian books at Amazon in those days!) I had three books unearthed (there are several dozens out now since SM has become something of a fad - one of my favourites is the 'Leatherwoman' series by Laura Antoniou) and I felt confident we could present a wide variety to our 'students': from Orinda's (Katherine Phillips 1631-1664!) poems 'To My Excellent Lucasia - On Our Friendship' to Pat Califia's 'Macho Sluts' (girls, you are in for a ride!). Two of those books have become a sort of classics of lesbian SM literature: 'The Lesbian SM Safety Manual' by Pat Califia and 'Coming to Power' from the Samois group.
Both titles already indicate the main focus of lesbian SM: Safety and Power. And both have become my most basic (and non-negotiable) principles of SM (almost everything else is negotiable - try and make me ;-)): the Safety of my body - no permanent damage ... and the coming to my own Power - my own sexuality in this case.
So how does this tie in with SM again?
My two most enduring SM fetishes are blood and knives - in this case fetish is only meant to indicate what objects have sexual connotations for me, not the 'fetish' some sadomasochist can build around objects or actions to the almost total exclusion of everything else. The metallic taste of fresh blood - so remindful of the knife that drew it, the sharp, yet clean pain when a scalpel-edged knife opens your skin is sth that arouses me just by thinking about it, not to mention smell it, feel it on my body. Why you may ask? Who cares I can only answer - it get's me wet like a tropical thunderstorm! And nobody found a better answer yet and all psychological explanations are just placebo for the sick who bought into the garbage that SM is an illness. I did not feel sick (nor does the psychiatric society define SM as an illness - used to be a crime in more or less recent times, though) - just as I did not feel different being a lesbian; you still have to show me the genus homosexualis to prove I'm a born dyke - how about the genus sadomasocalis?
Now I do agree with you, that both my fetishes are essentially harmful to my body: knife wounds have to be extremely superficial not to leave permanent scars, and blood is my life-support per se, so I can't afford to waste any of it. So how do I realise my fantasy of kissing a lover who's tongue is hiding a crescent-shaped knife, how do I rub my cheek against her's, when her cheek-bones cut open my skin, how do I press my body to her knife riddled contours without bleeding to death? I don't! I put the safety of my body above my sexual desires. I find lovers skilful enough with a knife not to leave any permanent scars. I learn to live on an extremely low diet of blood as I cannot waste too much of my own (or anybody else's for that matter). Adhering to my principle of safety makes me appreciate skill (my lover's with a knife) and value (of my own blood) even more than an abundance of butchery and orgies of blood could ever do ... that's where the sadists and masochists of the wars and torture go astray - sometimes less IS more!.
And that's why I felt this article is necessary: because that's what I get compared to! Even if it is only in words ...
Let's get some history out for the uninitiated: the term Sadism derives from the French Marquis de Sade who wrote pornographic books detailing his 'sadistic' pleasures and who died in a lunatic asylum (there's a marvellous film 'Quills' with Geoffrey Rush as de Sade - worth seeing any time, even if you don't have any interest in SM!). The term Masochism is derived from the Austrian Graf von Sacher-Maso who enjoyed being pushed around a bit on the sexual battle-field. Put those two together and you'll start wondering how so many healthy sadomasochists could survive to this day with such a history!
Sadomasochism is today used for a wide variety of sadistic and masochistic pleasures - most have a definitive sexual component to it, even if in most 'scenes' no actual (i.e. genital) sex takes place. That's another part I enjoy in SM: you get to have sex without even taking your panties off ;-) The extension of SM and a cultural integration took place when the Bondage and Domination gang got on board - now being called BDSM. These girls get their rocks off on being told what to do, mostly by 'scene-play' where erotic fantasies of domination of having power over somebody are played out in a safe and consensual context.
This brings me to the second distinction to the butchers of our world: SM is consensual! Nothing - Absolutely Nothing - happens if I don't agree to it, if my bottom (the subservient part - the top being the boss of course ;-)) does not agree to it, does not get aroused by the power or pain I wield over her - or vice-versa - you'd be surprised how many switches (changing from top to bottom, sometimes even in the middle of a scene) we have! Topping from the bottom (link is in German - an answer to a spam mail I most thoroughly enjoyed :-P) is one of my favourite 'scenes' in SM, where I can start out as a sassy little slave who wants to try just how far she can go to challenge the power of her mistress - if this challenge is not consensual, the enticing little slave she had turns into one nasty bitch which is hardly erotic ... of course it takes a strong woman to take my power ... and so we come to my second basic principle of SM:
Power - Power is one of the most elusive and yet one of the most far-spread principles in our lives. Everything is dependant on how much power I have and how much power others have - right? So we force our power over others, take theirs away, to make ourselves more powerful ... yikes what a crappy place to start! With the power of a parasite ...
Power is not Power OVER, but most decidedly Power FOR in SM - the power FOR her/my enjoyment/lust/turn-on, the power FOR her/my favourite fantasy, the power FOR her/my emotional/sexual/mental/physical fulfilment! If I try to force my power OVER a lover, she'll react as she would with any thug in the streets: she'd lash out at me as hard as she could - and rightfully so ... this wielding of power, even the basic understanding of the differences in power, is one aspect that sadomasochists have down pat. That doesn't mean we don't sometimes abuse our power, but it certainly means we have to deal with that power and it's abuse in a far more rational/objective, even emotional way, because it makes us what we are. We have to understand it to become sadomasochists and not butchers who play bullying games be it in wars or in politics or in our social and personal miasmas we call relationships.
This is also the point where objectivism comes in for me: the understanding of my own power, how much value it has for me and the exercise of that power in a 'safe, sane and consensual' (another SM bon mot) environment is the key to a rational life beyond the sexual battlefields. Power is a value I can use in just about any area of my life, FOR my work, FOR my relationships, FOR my physical health, and of course FOR my sexual fulfilment, which is one of the greatest driving forces in my life. It is this sexual power that has best helped me understand the power-games going on in many of these other fields and has enabled me to wield my own power - FOR the fulfilment of my own life. Pity Any did not have much to say on this topic, though her work simply abounds with references to 'power' ... the several mentions of 'sadist' and 'masochist' fall into the usual negative pattern of males not knowing how to use their power ('... man the sordid cheat who pursues science because he is a frustrated voyeur, practices surgery because he is a sublimating sadist, and creates the David because he craves, secretly, to mold his own feces...') and females not being strong enough to take their power ('... like most women, and to a greater degree than most, she is a masochist and she wishes for the happiness of suffering at Roark's hands...') ... only reference to 'sadomasochism' I found is in 'JAR 13 - Notes While Writing: 1947-1952': '... man cannot escape from joy as the altruists want him to; he can only pervert it into horror and sadomasochism ...'
So let's not escape joy, let's celebrate it, 'lest ye all shalt become sadomasochists' :-))
As for that famous rape scene in Fountainhead: sorry girls - no need to get your panties in a twist over it ... it was lacking some of the most basic qualities of an SM scene and did not turn me on at all. Ironically I often compared it to another scene in Atlas where Dagny shoots the guard standing in her way to rescue Galt from the laboratory: in both scenes I understand what Ayn wants to tell us and why she set them up as she did, but in both scenes, the two D's seem a bit wooden, not really 'present', almost out of context, just to make a point ... the closest similarity to SM for me in Ayn's work is Dagny's 'next-morning-in-Wyatt's-house' scene (AS I IX - The Sacred and the Profane as238) with '... bruises ... with dark beads that had been blood ...' after '... hours of a violence they could not name now ... which was in their eyes ... which they wanted to name ...' try SM for starters; where Hank insults her to be worse than a dirty whore, his bitch as he says on other occasions and she confidently replies: 'that's what I want' - now that's a lover-girl to my tastes :-) ...
Let me finish this article with a very personal side to Power to counter some of the 'clinical pathology' slurs I often encounter when people learn that I was molested as a child by my good ol' dad. That I turned to SM because of that abuse - that I have not 'faced' that horror and am still wallowing in my victim role - that I secretly enjoyed being molested ... That's like saying 'Thanx Dad for making me a sadomasochist and a dyke by abusing me' - now that's really sick.
This abuse was sth I could not deal with as a two or three year old girl, so I blocked out any conscious memories for years to come. Many mental and emotional break-downs and total blackouts followed over the years until I learned to deal with this abuse in my twenties. Learning not only to accept myself (and love myself), but more importantly learning that I had power - power FOR my healing, power FOR my safety, power FOR that little girl to come out again, instead of power OVER a defenseless child. This understanding of power helped me open my eyes and face an experience I cannot remember in physical details, but which my memories as a child have burned into my whole body. This power I learned to take and wield - and wield consciously with eyes wide open as a sadomasochist. It is only one positive by-product of my SM inclinations, that no loving and supportive relationship with myself or others could have given me.
What makes SM sick is NOT having the power FOR your own inclinations and trying to get some power OVER them. Don't even try - it's a waste of time and effort ... use your power FOR your own feelings, for your own desires, your own achievements and you'll soon find out what a waste of power it is to have power OVER someone/something who/that has almost no power at all ... just like all the 'sadists' of the non-consensual kind are - rapists, war-criminals, power-hungry politicians, exploiting employers, abusive spouses, etc. - they are all trying to exercise power OVER someone/something because they have no power FOR someone/something, least of all for themselves ... even the (sexual) arousal they do feel in their domination games is nothing but a weak and twisted shadow of the real arousal power can bring you ... frankly girls: they are really boring!
VSD
'One of my favourite pastimes is stretching boundaries - one of my favourite ecstasies is breaking them!'
