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The 25 Most Inappropriate Things An Objectivist Can Say During Sex
by Jason Roth
1. "Before we continue, there's something I have to ask you. Will you still accept the axiom that existence exists tomorrow?"
2. "I appreciate the thought, but I consider it an act of self sacrifice for you to swallow."
3. "I believe in the complete separation of the left leg from the right."
4. "Now that's what I call standing up for what you believe in."
5. "Emotions are the mind's near-instantaneous evaluation of a perceived fact or idea as either good or bad for the individual. Hence, my wet panties."
6. "You sure smell better down here than the collectivists I've slept with."
7. "To say 'Fuck me harder' one must first know how to say the 'me'."
8. "No, I don't always object to you sticking your finger there. But that's a borderline case."
9. "So dear, shall it be the steel magnate position tonight, or the A is A? Oh, damn, we're all out of Cool Whip. So much for the A is A."
10. "I haven't had this much fun since I rejected the concept of God."
11. "There's no such thing as a collective orgasm. But let's try our best."
12. "Would you like me to concretize that for you?"
13. "Contradictions do not exist. You can't insert it there and there at the same time. Wait a second. Open up the top drawer of my nightstand."
14. "Good for you, you finally found my G-spot. Score one for goal-directed action."
15. "No, you're not my first. But you are the first man whose penis has made me understand the role of measurement omission in the act of concept formation."
16. "Don't you have any Tchaikovsky? Rachmaninoff is fine for 69s, but nothing beats Tchaikovsky when it comes to anal."
17. "What do you mean, it's 'possible' that you had an orgasm? Are you saying that you have some evidence that you had an orgasm, but not sufficient evidence?"
18. "No, I don't need Viagra. It's this damn non-objective pornography."
19. "You feel warm and fuzzy? Check your premises."
20. "It's time for me to teach you the difference between Platonic love and Aristotelian love."
21. "You selfish bitch! You greedy, selfish bitch! What? You don't like my pillow talk?"
22. "It doesn't really matter whether I come or not. I believe that man's tongue is an end in itself."
23. "Don't construe my liking that as an instance of the sanction of the victim. Now excuse me while I wipe off my face."
24. "There's nothing like grasping the objectivity of values. And what values they are."
25. "John? Who is John?"