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Post 0

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 6:47amSanction this postReply
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So, does everything boil down to emotions?

How about a woman buying a present for her abusive husband/boy friend to keep him happy?

coaltontrail

Post 1

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 9:53amSanction this postReply
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There was an episode of FRIENDS that proved this point. Joey says that everyone is selfish, and bets Phoebe that she cannot do an unselfish deed. She tries, but fails.

Coalton, it doesn't matter if the person gives selfishly based on reasoned motivation or irrational emotions, the point is that the person gives for a REASON. If the battered woman gives to her abusive boyfriend to keep him around, that's her personal reason, her selfish reason. The value of having him around means more to her than the beatings, for whatever reason. If it were the type of "gift" that one gives, say, to the Mafia, it would not be a gift, but theft by "coercion."

Post 2

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 11:30amSanction this postReply
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" If the battered woman gives to her abusive boyfriend to keep him around, that's her personal reason, her selfish reason. The value of having him around means more to her than the beatings, for whatever reason. If it were the type of "gift" that one gives, say, to the Mafia, it would not be a gift, but theft by "coercion.""

I wasn't clear enough: she buys the gift so that at least for a short while she doesn't get beat up. That is a 'selfish' reason. But is that a 'good' reason to give? What is the standard?

I think when I give a gift I should explictly recognize the trading of the values involved and it must be consistent with the rest of my system of values. It isn't sufficient to say 'it makes me feel good.' In many cases this recognition is nearly automatic, say when I present my five year old nephew with a new educational toy.

When it is not obvious, as a rational person, I must make an effort to evaluate the trade before giving it. Now, how about receiving gifts?

coaltontrail



Post 3

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 4:54pmSanction this postReply
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If we were all musicians, we would call "Isn't Everyone Selfish?" a standard.  There is no arguing that just doing whatever you feel like on the spur of the moment is not selfishness in the strictest sense.  It certainly beats not doing what you feel like -- or doing what you don't feel like.  Of course, rational choices derived syllogistically from the Law of Identity are best. 
 
I liked the essay because it expresses very well a contrarian view of Christmas.  It would be ideal published in a local newspaper.
 

 
 


Post 4

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 5:23pmSanction this postReply
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"... she buys the gift so that at least for a short while she doesn't get beat up. That is a 'selfish' reason. But is that a 'good' reason to give? What is the standard? "
That does not describe the dynamics of an abusive relationship.  If she thought in those terms, she would leave.  She stays in the relationship because she tells herself (a) she doesn't deserve any better  (won't find better... was even worse when he found her ... etc.) and that (b) the beatings are exceptions -- he doesn't mean it; it was her fault; he really loves her; etc.  However irrrational all of that is -- and it is -- she still buys the present because she "loves" him, which is a "selfish" response.  Given that we cannot get into her head and fix her relationship, I'd leave it at that.

I think when I give a gift I should explictly recognize the trading of the values involved and it must be consistent with the rest of my system of values. It isn't sufficient to say 'it makes me feel good.' In many cases this recognition is nearly automatic, say when I present my five year old nephew with a new educational toy.
I agree with that 100%.  If your conscious values are rational, then your automatic responses are valid.  Conversely, by observing your own automatic responses, you can check your choices.  "Value for value" defines gift-giving for me, as I am sure it probably does for most the people signed on here.

 Now, how about receiving gifts?
 I have received really neat gifts from women who love me.  If one of them were my wife, life would be ideal.  After 27 years, I am still something of a mystery to the Mrs. I have to confess on the same score that my brother nails me every year with something neat for Christmas, and mostly, I am challenged to do the same, because I see him as being so totally self-sufficient that he has everything he needs.  I can only send him gold coins or bars so many years in a row.  After a run of that, it is sort of like putting cash in a holder card.  This year, I got him dental picks.  At the last Michigan State Numismatic Society convention, one of our dealers is a retired dentist. Amid the "wildcat banknotes" he sells old picks.  I looked at one and it was Cleve-Dent, where Mom had worked for many years while we were growing up.  So, I got six and I will send them to my brother for Christmas.


Post 5

Wednesday, December 15, 2004 - 7:37pmSanction this postReply
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 Now, how about receiving gifts?
I suggest Macy's start a Christmas Registry.


Post 6

Thursday, December 16, 2004 - 6:00amSanction this postReply
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I think this article brings up a very important part of the process of any exchange and that is the role emotional gratification and the function of utility. 

Not all exchanges have to be material or involve currency in order to be valid and in line with a person's own rational self interest. 

Great article. 


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