RoR: Forum

Kyle,

What an excellent piece! Thank you for sharing it here.

Ed

Post 1

Sunday, October 21, 2012 - 9:34pm

That was great! Were did you find that one?
O jeeze I just realized you wrote it!!! Awesome!
(Edited by Jules Troy on 10/22, 12:45am)

Post 2

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 5:34pm

Thanks you two! Glad you found some value in this story.

This is one of my first attempts at writing fiction, and I wasn't certain how it was going to turn out. I think it turned out okay, but the ending seemed rushed. I think I was hurrying to get to the lesson of the story.

I intend to write a few more stories. Any criticism is welcome.

Post 3

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 7:04pm

Kyle,

Yeah, at the end I was kind of caught off-guard. In just 4 lines, the dog went from faithful servant to retaliatory predator. It's like it happened before you even said so! That was kind of scary, actually (though it didn't flow well, it actually had a good dramatic effect on me). [Rethinking it] It was almost both calm and scary which is, itself, is scary. Halloween is coming up, so I might as well provide an example of what I'm trying to say. An example might run something like this:

I got what you needed from the store today, Honey. Just like you ordered me ... er ... I mean just like you asked me to do! I mowed the lawn, too. And I swept out the garage for you. Oh, and there is just this one little thing that I really think I should tell you about which I really think you deserve to know ... you see, that shirt you're wearing ... after I washed it, I coated it with the second-most powerful poison on earth ... and by now it has seeped into your skin ... and you have about 10 more minutes to live. Have a nice day!

:-O

In this example, everything seems hunky-dorry. Then you get some devastating news, and the person who tells you the news says it nonchalantly. That's kind of like how it was at the end of your story.

Ed

Post 4

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 8:04pm

Ed, I agree, it was rushed, and the change was sudden.

The transition from good dog to bad dog was meant to be illustrative of the nature of the dog. The nature of the dog was intended to be similar to that of a gun, hence, the quick change in the dogs attitude when the "dog" (i.e. gun) exchanged hands.

A gun could be used for a good or an evil purpose depending on who's holding it.

The fact that a gun may be used for a good purpose and then, suddenly, be used for an evil purpose is scary.

Hopefully this clears up any concerns you may have had. Also, what do you suggest I do to remedy the problem of the flow? I know you've had some experience writing fiction so you may know some tricks of the trade.

Post 5

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 10:08pm

Damn! Here I thought it was an allegory of the U.S. constitution, and the "dont tread on me" isolationism that worked very well for safeguarding our freedoms and what could possibly happen when it is instead used for bad purposes!

Post 6

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 10:52pm

Come to think of it, there is a link to The Constitution in my article. However, it is implied.

You may think of the dog as the government, and the dog's leash as The Constitution. You loosen the leash, you get an unrestrained animal. An unrestrained animal (government) + thugs = theft (or worse) on a grand scale. In the case of the story, the loosened leash + thugs resulted in the death of the man who initially loosened it.

Post 7

Tuesday, October 23, 2012 - 11:12pm

Yes! That is why your parable resonates so well!

Post 8

Saturday, October 27, 2012 - 6:28pm

Kyle,

I only meant that the end didn't flow -- it spilled. The rest of the piece is awesome, including your descriptions. I really liked the way you described facial features in terms of deeper personality traits. What you are on the inside can often show up on the outside. This kind of descriptive imagery serves the purpose of relating what is in someone's soul in a flash. An example is coming to my mind. It is in the movie, 300. King Leonidas climbs the mountain to get permission for war from the Oracle, and these ugly dudes are up there and the ugliness of their faces depicts the ugliness in their souls (they make Leonidas pay a ransom in order to question the Oracle).

Ed

Post 9

Sunday, October 28, 2012 - 11:56am

Glad you liked it Ed. I think I know what you mean by "spilled", so I'll take the advice and apply it to upcoming stories.

Also, concerning "300", my favorite line is:

"The enemy outnumber us a paltry three to one, good odds for any Greek. This day we rescue a world from mysticism and tyranny and usher in a future brighter than anything we can imagine."

I didn't notice this line when I first watched this movie, only after seeing the quote online did I notice it the second time through.

Post 10

Sunday, October 28, 2012 - 8:41pm