| | Luke, too true. My father shot himself when I was four years old. Nobody knows why, either, since he didn't leave a note and no one suspected it. I have dealt with it over the years, going from one extreme to the other. One the one hand, from what I've heard about his life, it was pretty fucked up and I guess he wasn't strong enough to deal with it (being Catholic couldn't have helped. ) If he was that desperate, if it was the only option, I wouldn't want to see him live through that pain. On the other hand, he left behind a wife and two kids, not to mention family and friends. There was certainly anger there for a long time. How could he do it? Objectivism holds one's life as their own, but when you marry and have kids, you make a commitment. How one abandons that, I don't know. But it's pretty cowardly, for sure, and what example does that set for those left behind, especially a 3 and 4 year old? I have heard so many good stories about my dad, but one thing I'll never be able to call him is a hero. The best I can say is that is was tragic, and he was to emotionally fragile, no matter how much of a hunter-jock football hero he was. He skipped out. But by Objectivist standards, can I be angry at him for doing it? Did he owe me anything? Should he have suffered through life for my benefit, or my sisters, or my mom's? (I say yes, at least for us kids, we were his responsibility as well as my mom's.) Yet, would there have been resentment on his part? Would it have been taken out on us? Would it have been worth it for him to live for us?
I've never thought of that last idea before until now. As hard as it is to say, I think if that had been the outcome (and who knows what might have happened, it's moot), I'd have to say we were better off without him. Or at least no worse. But of course, I wish I could say the opposite, that everything would have been great and life is precious. But it's not up to us to determine it for others. Only they can decide what their life is worth. And if those left behind aren't worth staying around for, what worth should his life have to others?
This is not a silver lining, but one way that it affected me is that when I've thought about suicide in the past, I always think of my father, and no matter how bad it gets, I tell myself I can do better than that. And I know that if it is ever that bad, with no chance of a better life, there is a way out. But as long as I can fight back, I will not take my father's path.
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