| | John asks, "So what is it with the violin and piano thing?"
Hong replied: "I think they are like King and Queen of Western music instruments, aren't they? There are so much more solo music written for these two instruments than for any others."
Yes, I think you are correct, Hong. If I'm not mistaken, the piano and violin were traditional Western instruments that American children were taught to play. I know they were popular with my parents and grandparents. I was not introduced to either of them, however, so there was definitely a break in tradition there. I wonder if the Chinese and Asian cultures have simply adopted this American musical tradition upon moving to the West and are now carrying it on, or if these instruments were common in the East as well.
I think the best influence that parents can have on children is to set a good example. If the parents have a personal interest in the kinds of educational and cultural activities that they want their children to be interested in, it can make a difference. Kids that get poor grades often come from single-parent families or those in which the parents are non-intellectual or anti-intellectual, have few if any books in the home, are on public assistance, abuse drugs or alcohol and are in other respects dysfunctional.
I still think it's inappropriate for parents to browbeat their children into getting good grades. Parents should certainly stress the importance of good study habits and work with their children to acquire these skills, but they should not make their children feel terrified to reveal anything less than a high or perfect test score. Some of the instructors at my college are reluctant to give their Asian students poor grades, because they know what awaits the students when their parents find out.
The individualism issue pertains to the relationship between the parents and their children, not between the parents and the rest of society. While domineering parents may be acting "individualistically" vis-a-vis the rest of society, they are not doing so with respect to their own children if they don't allow the children an appropriate amount of freedom to choose their own goals and values. Of course, children have to be supervised and subject to age-appropriate restrictions, but they must also be given a measure of freedom and personal choice, if they are to develop a healthy psychology.
In Post 13, Glenn refers to an article that I found fascinating. In the article, Jane Chin writes about her own experience as a child and the depression it fostered:
http://www.chinspirations.com/mhsourcepage/asian-students-depression-and-suicide-begin-with-the-parents
"Asian American students are expected to excel. More accurately, 'be better than.' Excelling in our culture is based squarely on “being better than someone else, preferably someone whose parents your parents can’t stand.' I grew up being constantly compared and contrasted with other kids. Why couldn’t I play the piano and the violin and be the first seed on the Tennis team like so-and-so’s kid? Why couldn’t I speak three languages (Chinese doesn’t count) like so-and-so’s son? Oh- why didn’t I score a perfect 1600 on the SATs and get early admission with full scholarship into Harvard, Yale, and Princeton like those twins? And my favorites: 'You scored a 99% on your test? Why didn’t you get 100%' and 'You scored 100%? How many more students scored 100% in the class?' We’re just never good enough.
"When you are brought up to think of yourself mainly in reference to someone else, you aren’t sure exactly what to think of yourself, or how to see yourself. For most of my life, I saw myself as a portfolio of academic grades, scholarly achievements (or lack thereof), SAT scores (and it was nowhere near 1600), what schools I got into, and whether my chosen vocation would bring pride to my ancestors.
"I haven’t even gotten into the subject of emotional abuse in the Asian household. That would be a whole website in itself.
"Is it any wonder that I suffered from depression most of my childhood, adolescent, and adult life?"
All this is not meant to diminish the value of excellence in academic achievement, which Asian-American students are known for. But, in some cases, it can be pursued at too high a cost. In a recent episode of the "Dr. Phil" show, widespread cheating among students was the subject of discussion. One girl (who was white) said she cheated because she felt pressured to get straight A's, and that was the only way to do it. She said that her mother and her sister were valedictorian, so she had to be valedictorian. I wonder how she would feel if her boyfriend or husband cheated on her.
Perhaps, we should also be teaching our children that winning at all cost is not a desirable goal, and that it's important to keep the values of life in their proper perspective.
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