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Quotes: Humorous


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Of course, rules of fairness have to be enforced, because what other safeguard do we have -- besides the Press. Now, I never suggest that the Press is biased. I recognize they have their job to do and I have my job to do. My job is to lay out a positive vision for the future of the country, and their job is to make sure no one else finds out about it. Let's just say that some in the media have a certain way of looking at things. When suddenly I pulled ahead in some of the major polls, what was the headline?: "Polls show Obama leading from behind." And I've already seen early reports from tonight's dinner: "Headline: Obama embraced by Catholics, Romney dines with rich people."
Mitt Romney
http://rebirthofreason.com/Spirit/Videos/273.shtml [2012 Al Smith dinner in New York]

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(Added by Ed Thompson on 10/21, 9:10am)
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"Like most of my contemporaries, I first read The Fountainhead when I was 18 years old. I loved it. I too missed the point. I thought it was a book about a strong-willed architect...and his love life....I deliberately skipped over all the passages about egoism and altruism. And I spent the next year hoping I would meet a gaunt, orange-haired architect who would rape me. Or failing that, an architect who would rape me. Or failing that, an architect. I am certain that The Fountainhead did a great deal more for architects than Architectural Forum ever dreamed."
Nora Ephron
New York Times Book Review cited in Wikipedia

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(Added by Michael E. Marotta on 6/28, 4:17pm)
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To err is progress. To institutionalize error is progressive.
Bernard Levine
Comment to Wall Street Journal Article "To Err Is Progress"

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 7/23, 7:18am)
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And the truth is there's only one thing in the world that I really, really hate. Does anyone know what that is? Money. But there's only one thing I hate more than money ... and that's the truth.
Lady Gaga
http://rebirthofreason.com/Forum/GeneralForum/1713.shtml#2

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(Added by Ed Thompson on 5/12, 6:06pm)
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There's not a single Democrat or Republican who's ever worked with me that will not look you in the eye and say, "Biden has never, ever, ever broken his word."
Vice Pres., Joe Biden
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40720643/ns/meet_the_press-transcripts/ns/meet_the_press-transcripts

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(Added by Ed Thompson on 12/20/2010, 11:00am)
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Some people in D.C. talk about me like a dog.
President Barack Obama

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(Added by Steve Wolfer on 10/18/2010, 10:33pm)
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'My goal in life is to pare words from overly long, redundant, verbose, disorganized charges that have grown like Topsy over time.
(Judge) Colleen Mc Mahon
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/06/pageoneplus/corrections.html?_r=1

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(Added by Peter Reidy on 10/06/2010, 3:31pm)
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"Attorney Brittney Horstman was not packing heat. She was wearing an underwire bra. And when the metal detector went off on a visit to the Miami Federal Detention Center, security guards wouldn't let Horstman in to see her client. The attorney reminded guards of a detention center ``memo'' allowing female attorneys wearing an underwire bra to enter. But the guards would not relent. Horstman stepped into a bathroom and removed her bra. In blouse and jacket, she returned, and cleared the walk-through detector. Again, guards refused to let her pass -- now, because she was braless, which is against prison dress code guidelines."
Jay Weaver
"Wrong bra, no bra: Jail bars lawyer ", MiamiHerald.com

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(Added by Jim Henshaw on 9/06/2010, 4:29pm)
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My view is simply this when it comes to the blessing of same sex unions; as someone who has been having the same sex for the last 15 years, the last thing I want to see the church doing about it is blessing it.
John McKillop
The Gay Fast Lane

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(Added by Ted Keer on 4/08/2010, 9:56am)
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Briefly, a metaphor is an affair between a predicate with a past and an object that yields while protesting.
Nelson Goodman
Languages of Art; in Philosophical Perspectives on Metaphor

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(Added by Merlin Jetton on 1/27/2010, 8:09am)
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This is an amazing week. Massachusetts goes Republican, "healthcare" dies, and the Supreme Court unshackles the First Amendment. It's the best week I've had since spring break in medical school, and I don't even remember it.
Charles Krauthammer
This Week with Bret Baier, Jan 22, 2010

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/23/2010, 9:08pm)
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One thing I regret this year is that we were so busy just getting stuff done . . . that I think we lost some of that sense of speaking directly to the American people. . . . I think the assumption was, if I just focus on policy, if I just focus on the, you know, this provision, or that law, or are we making a good, rational decision here, that people will get it
Barack Hussein Obama
After giving 158 interviews and 411 speeches in his first year.

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/22/2010, 10:32pm)
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The French have big problems. They had to do away with all vending machines in their school systems because of obesity. No more snack cakes, no more candy, no more soda. It's all part of the French master plan to raise healthier cowards. Nice to know the French are finally taking a stand against somebody and it's Little Debbie. You're not going to see that pig-tailed vixen coming through the Arc de Triomphe on top of a Panzer.
Dennis Miller
The O'Reilly Factor 1/20/10

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(Added by John Armaos on 1/21/2010, 3:18am)
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We must move forward, not backwards, upwards, not forwards, and always twirling, twirling, TWIRLING towards freedom!
Kodos
Impersonating candidate Bill Clinton in Citizen Kang Simpson's Treehouse of Horror VII

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/18/2010, 9:19pm)
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A smidgen of Hindu metaphysics might come in handy here.
Phil Osborn
Avatar's Savage Message

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/02/2010, 5:28pm)
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Inspiration is an empty bank account.
Mickey Spillane
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mickey_Spillane

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(Added by Bob Palin on 12/06/2009, 7:30pm)
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Poor Al Gore, Global Warming debunked, via the very internet you invented
Jon Stewart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgPUpIBWGp8

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(Added by John Armaos on 12/03/2009, 11:02am)
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What's the difference between a mystic and a scientist? One relies on intuition, whereas the other pays for tuition.
Warren Chase Anspaugh

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(Added by Warren Chase Anspaugh on 11/09/2009, 2:56pm)
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You're skinny and in a hurry and in love with a nice lady, but so is Lindsay Lohan. And just like Lindsay, we see your name in the paper a lot but we're kind of wondering when you're actually going to do something.
Bill Maher
Advice to President Obama

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(Added by Ted Keer on 10/10/2009, 8:23am)
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I quit smoking so I don't even have a lighter to set crosses on fire.
P. J. O'Rourke
Outsourcing Hate

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(Added by Ted Keer on 9/28/2009, 10:57am)
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Still, even for a demographic doom-monger such as myself, you could hardly ask for a more poignant fin de civilisation image than a stampede of broody lesbians stymied only by defective semen, like some strange dystopian collaboration between Robert Heinlein and Russ Meyer set in a world divided into muff divers and duff donors.
Mark Steyn
Notice Anything Shriveling?

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(Added by Ted Keer on 8/27/2009, 7:13pm)
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“What good is reading the bill if it’s a thousand pages and you don’t have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?”
John Conyers (D-Michigan)
During his speech at a National Press Club luncheon, Conyers (D-Mich.), questioned the point of reading the health care bill.

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(Added by Ted Keer on 7/28/2009, 7:15am)
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Theodor Seuss Geisel

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 7/06/2009, 10:30am)
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If you think Allah is great, you should try these dinner rolls.
Ann Coulter
Ann Coulter on "Gitmo Gut"

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(Added by Ted Keer on 5/08/2009, 3:05pm)
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Our financial markets are only as strong as those who regulate them.
Chris Dodd, Sen (D)
Jan 27 Senate speech by Chris Dodd, 188 Days after he promised to release the terms of his sweetheart Countrywide home mortgages

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/30/2009, 2:36pm)
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George Walsh was asked whether he thought Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony sounded malevolent. He said: "Of course. Can't you just hear the sheep gnashing their teeth?"
George Walsh
Ayn Rand on Beethoven

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(Added by Ted Keer on 1/12/2009, 1:31pm)
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If you're not the lead dog, the view never changes.
Wikipedia (Anonymous Editor)
My father, George Kanaan (submitted by Traci Kanaan)

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(Added by Ms. Traci A Kanaan on 1/02/2009, 8:14pm)
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Don't worry, I don't have low self-esteem. It's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else.
Daria Morgendorffer
Esteemsters, the first episode of the MTV animated series Daria, 1997

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 11/22/2008, 7:28am)
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Convincing yourself doesn't win an argument.
Robert Half

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(Added by Steve Wolfer on 11/09/2008, 3:25pm)
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A man who has had sexual relations with an animal, such as a sheep, may not eat its meat. He would commit sin.
Ayatollah Khomeini
The Ayatollah's "Blue Book"

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(Added by Ted Keer on 10/22/2008, 9:57pm)
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It isn't my thinking that went awry. It is your writing.
Steve Wolfer
http://rebirthofreason.com/Forum/NewsDiscussions/2188.shtml#16

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(Added by Ed Thompson on 10/12/2008, 7:32am)
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God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Mark Twain

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(Added by Ted Keer on 7/23/2008, 3:09pm)
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've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.
Gilbert Keith Chesterton

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(Added by Ted Keer on 7/18/2008, 6:40pm)
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In the Bullshit Department, a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman. 'Cause I gotta tell you the truth, folks. When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money!
George Carlin

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(Added by Warren Chase Anspaugh on 6/23/2008, 9:24am)
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That fact of the matter is I am smarter than most O'ists. That is what makes me human.
Robert J. Kolker
http://rebirthofreason.com/Forum/Dissent/0166_1.shtml#29

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(Added by Ed Thompson on 2/06/2008, 12:04pm)
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I aim for the stars, but sometimes I hit London and Antwerp
Werner von Braun
Werner v. Braun

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(Added by Robert J. Kolker on 2/02/2008, 2:40pm)
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We are all entitled to our own opinions. None of us are entitled to our own facts.
Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Sen. Daniel Moynihan

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(Added by Robert J. Kolker on 2/02/2008, 2:40pm)
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Christ appears and splits the Mount of Olives in Jerusalem. And then, over a thousand years of the millennium, that the world is reigned in two places, Jerusalem and Missouri. The law will come from Missouri, and the other will be from Jerusalem...
Mitt Romney
Hitchens in Slate

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(Added by Ted Keer on 11/26/2007, 9:20pm)
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We will not be intimidated by radical Islamic thugs...CAIR can go to Hell and they can take their 72 virgins with them.
Jason Maltera
Young America's Foundation

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(Added by Ted Keer on 8/02/2007, 3:53pm)
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This Don't F*** With Hitch curse actually works—look at what happened to Saddam Hussein.
Christopher Hitchens
Slate

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(Added by Ted Keer on 7/17/2007, 12:47am)
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I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints -- the sinners are much more fun...
Billy Joel
"Only the Good Die Young"

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(Added by Alexander Butziger on 7/16/2007, 2:54pm)
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The point of the song wasn't so much anti-Catholic as pro-lust.
Billy Joel
On "Only the Good Die Young"

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(Added by Alexander Butziger on 7/16/2007, 2:46pm)
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"The invisible and the non-existent often look very much alike."
Julia Sweeney
Letting Go of God

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(Added by Michael E. Marotta on 5/22/2007, 10:03pm)
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Perhaps they need a good talking to, if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more. My girls, sir, they didn't care for the Overlook at first. One of them actually stole a pack of matches, and tried to burn it down. But I 'corrected' them sir. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I 'corrected' her.
Stephen King
Caretaker Delbert Grady in The Shining 1980 Motion Picture

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 4/17/2007, 9:47am)
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If someone tells you this is not a real push-up, tell him to f*** off.
Tony Horton
Tony Horton LIVE! in Miami Fitness Camp 2006

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 3/25/2007, 10:06am)
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The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Alfred Hitchcock

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(Added by Bridget Armozel on 3/02/2007, 12:39pm)
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Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.
Unknown
Forwarded by a friend

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(Added by Teresa Summerlee Isanhart on 1/28/2007, 1:13pm)
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I love Thanksgiving turkey...it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

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(Added by Bridget Armozel on 12/23/2006, 10:39am)
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Here is Rick Warren, Grand Inquisitor, a man who can see the human race only as a vast Amway sales force for fundamentalism.
Robert Price
The Reason-Driven Life

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(Added by Luke Setzer on 11/27/2006, 5:25am)
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She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
C.S. Lewis
The Screwtape Letters

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(Added by Ben Hoffman on 10/02/2006, 3:29pm)
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